RIP
by Jyoti
Summary: After the loss of Mercy, Adrian decides she can't cope, and takes her own life, leaving behind a letter to all of the people she leaves behind. How are the people around her affected by this?
1. Prologue

**Summary: After the loss of Mercy, Adrian decides she can't cope, and takes her life. How are the people around her affected? **

**R.I.P **

**Prologue:**

"..We gather around here today for the loss of Adrian Lee Boykevich, an amazing woman and wife, and an intelligent and caring soul. Adrian, you will truly be missed." Rev. Stone finished his speech as he looked at the faces of the people who had come to Adrian's funeral. It was more than sad to have to see a young person go. He wished he could have been there for her, even if he didn't know her personally.

"Would anyone like to come and say a few words?"

He looked over at the audience. Cindy cried into Ruben's shoulders as he suppressed his tears and hugged her tightly. Grace was hysterical as Jack held her, trying to sooth her with comforting words but failing miserably. Grant decided not to attend, not really knowing Adrian very well and finding funerals sad. Ricky looked terrible, as he sobbed, his body shaking, and Amy was at loss for words. Even Alice and Henry were shocked, and Madison and Lauren didn't know what to say, so they said nothing. Out of everyone who had come to see her, Ben looked the worst.

Rev. Stone was ready to get off of the stage, seeing as no one wanted to say anything (not that he blamed them). But, before he could do that he saw Ben walking over to the stage, and he tossed him a sympathetic smile as he patted him on the back.

He grabbed the mike as he stared over at the casket with Adrian's dead body, "I hate you Adrian!"

The crowd gasped but that didn't stop him.

"Killing yourself...that's the most selfish thing you've ever done. Didn't you know how much I loved you? I need you Adrian. I need you right now! Mercy is gone, you can't be gone too. WAKE UP DAMMIT! Adrian please, wake up!"

He was going crazy as he ran over to her casket. It was open and he sobbed even harder as he touched her cold body, "Adrian please...please, please, come back. I'll be a better husband I-just please."

"Ben she's not coming back! She's never going to come back. You need to go home, we should all just, go home," his voice was hoarse from all of the crying as he looked over at Ben.

Ben tossed Ricky a glare, "Get the hell off me!"

"Ben relax-"

He turned to hear his father talking, his eyes filled with tears, "Ricky's right, it's been a very long day. We should all go home."

He grabbed one arm to lift him up as everyone started walking out of the chapel. Grace clung onto Jack as she made weak attempts to pray. She just couldn't understand how her best friend could be gone.

Rev. Stone was the last one to leave. He stared at Adrian's dead body, "You thought people would be fine without you didn't you? You thought no one cared, that it was easier if you were gone for you and for them but you were wrong. Look at how hurt everyone is, if only you could have seen how much everyone cares about you...R.I.P Adrian."

* * *

- So I hope you guys enjoyed this. It's not going to be too long only like five or six chapters. What did you guys think? I usually don't write sad stuff like this but it just came randomly and I couldn't get the thought out of my head.


	2. Chapter 1

**Numb: Chapter 1**

**[Amy & Ashley]**

Amy made her way inside, completely numb. What was she supposed to say? What was she supposed to think? Adrian was gone...dead. She swallowed a lump in her throat as she thought back to all of the times that they had fought and argued, and suddenly she felt something in her stomach churn. They hadn't parted on good terms, and now she didn't have a chance to make amends with her enemy.

Her face flashed back to the pained look on Ben's face, to the angry tears in Ricky's face, and then a tear fell down her own. She ran a finger through her hair mindlessly as the reality really began to sink in.

"How was it?"

The soft voice of her mother startled her, and she jumped. She let out a breath as she looked over at her redhead mom, "Mom! Gosh you scared me! Wait...what are you doing here? You're never here."

"George called me...he told me that well...you know. How do you feel?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "Fine." Fine was an understatement though. She wasn't fine, mostly because of their relationship before her death. She started to think back to her parents, and how they would feel. She started to think of everyone else instead of herself and how guilty she felt and that's when she started to sob.

Anne gave her daughter a sad smile as she rushed to her aid and held her close. Her sobs seemed to wake up Ashley, and Ashley grumbled, "What's with all the noise?"

Anne glared at her youngest daughter, "Ashley! Amy was just at a funeral - she's had a very long night!"

Ashley rolled her eyes. She had wanted to go to the funeral, but she knew it would be too much. Ashley and Adrian had become friends, and she was there when Adrian was going through her pregnancy. She had to admit that at first she hated her after she found George comforting her, but as time went on she realized that they were almost the same.

"No."

Anne looked over at Ashley, "No?"

"No! Cindy and Reuben have had a long night. Ricky has had a long night, and Ben has had a long night. Amy has not had a long night! They knew her...they were her friends! Damn, even I was her friend! Amy was never her friend, she hated her."

"Watch it Ashley!"

"No mom!" Amy sobbed again, "She's right...they were her friends. I-"

"Ashley go to your room!"

"Of course." She turned away and stormed off, but she could feel the tears in her eyes and she bit her tongue and tried to hold them back. She felt her body slump down once she got inside her room, and then she cried.

...

"Amy, it's still a very emotional thing to have to witness someone so young die."

Amy shook her head as she wiped her tears, "I just can't believe it."

"Amy-"

"Mom, I think I need to be alone. I'm going to my room."

She sighed and let go of her daughter, "Alright, go."

With that Amy walked off into her room and closed the door. She tried not to think of Adrian's death. The thought overwhelmed her too much. She thought of calling Ricky, or even Madison and Lauren, but she decided against it.

She went on her computer and as she surfed the web she found a forum dedicated to the death of Adrian on her schools website. As she read through the comments she gasped in horror.

**Finally the little slut is gone! She probably had sex so much that her heart stopped. The suicide is probably just some cover up. - ****Anonymous**

**Damn...Who wants to put their money on this one - Ben's probably next. - Joe H.**

**She was such a slut. Well R.I.P...or burn, whatever lol. - Zoe**

She couldn't even finish reading the comments. There were so many negatives things about it, and Amy felt the urge to say something back to them, but she didn't. She exited out the page and checked her email. There were a few from Mimsy, but she didn't feel like replying. And then her eyes widened at something she thought she would never see.

**(1) Adrian**

She gasped as she clicked it almost too quickly. Her heart raced and she checked the time in which it was emailed;only a few hours before she was reported to have committed suicide. She closed her eyes for a minute, shaking her head in disbelief. How could this be? And out of all people why had she sent her an email? She bit her bottom lip as she clicked it anxiously, and her eyes were glued to the screen for the next few minutes.

**Dear Amy,**

**...I know we never really got along. We despised each other, said some shit, but whatever right? That's not the point of this email. The point is to make amends to have one final goodbye. And by the time you get this email, you'll understand what I'm talking about. Amy...I may have hated you, but I could never deny the fact that you have always been a good mother. And so when I had Mercy I wanted to be just like that, a good mother for my child. Having Mercy made me a better person. And all of that shit with Ricky didn't matter. I even found myself finding love again. And no not just with Ben ;) It was Mercy, it will always be Mercy. My baby made me a much better person than I could have ever been. I don't even know why I'm telling you any of this. Most of it is just rambling. The point is that I'm sorry if I have offended you in any way by my most current decision. Well...I guess this is goodbye. Permanently of course. **

**- Adrian **

Amy sat there, frozen. She couldn't believe what was happening. She re-read the words over and over again and although they were practically committed to memory now, she still was shocked with what she was reading. A sudden beep of her phone made her tear her eyes away from the screen. It was Lauren, asking her if she was ok. She sighed, turning her phone off. Right now she didn't want to talk to anyone.

...

In another room, Ashley had gotten to her computer as well, with the same idea as Amy. She wanted to put it all out of her mind. She found herself checking her email, which was weird for her because she never really did that. She scrolled past messages from Toby, and almost clicked on one from Thomas but then continued to scroll, not particularly looking for anything. She mentally told herself that she needed to clean out her inbox, but made no attempt to do it. And then she saw something that made her eyes widened. It was an email from Adrian. She hit it without thinking.

**Dear Ashley,**

**If you're reading this now, I'm sure you know that I'm gone. I wanted to leave you with something, a memory I guess. I just wanted to say thank you...Thank you for being there when I needed someone. Thank you for being there when I was scared out of my fucking mind about having a baby. You were one of the best friends that I've ever had. You accepted me for who I was, and even with all of the history our families had, you still decided to be my friend. Maybe it didn't mean a lot to you. It probably didn't. No one really cared about me anyway, but regardless, it meant everything to me. You helped me make the decision to keep my baby and even though she didn't quite make it...I wouldn't take my decision back if my life depend on it. Ha, I guess that's kind of a pun now huh :) Sorry...bad joke. Anyway, take care Ashley, and be strong.**

**- Adrian **

She cried. Again. The message was fresh in her mind and she angrily hit her hand on the desk, "Dammit Adrian!"

A knock on the door forced her to gain her composure. She expected it to be her dad, who had tried to talk her into going to the funeral earlier, but then she remembered that she wasn't here. For a second she wondered where he could be when she heard another knock on the door, "What!"

Her usually cut throat tone wavered slightly, and her voice rose up an octave.

"It's me."

She raised an eyebrow. Amy? Why would Amy want to talk to her? Ever since she had John she had decided to exclude Ashley - the person who was there for her from the beginning - out of everything.

"What do you want?"

She opened the door and Ashley rolled her eyes, "I didn't say you could come in."

"I know you're pissed at me and I know Adrian's...I know it's hard for you but can we just talk? Please." The begging tone in her voice sounded more like the Amy she had known before her pregnancy.

She sighed and motioned for her to sit and Amy took a seat on the bed. She opened up a drawer and pulled out some chocolate and Amy raised an eyebrow. Ashley shrugged, "What? They say chocolate makes everything better."

For a minute Amy gave her a half smile, before taking a piece of chocolate and popping it into her mouth.

"So..."

"So what?"

"I know this is going to sound crazy but...I got an email from her."

Ashley froze. So she had gotten one too?

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah just a few hours before her...before her death."

Ashley shrugged even though on the inside she was freaking out. How many other people had she sent an email to?

"Yeah I got one too."

Amy's eyes lit up for a second, "You did!"

Ashley nodded, "Yeah...it didn't make things any better."

Amy nodded, agreeing with her.

For the rest of the night they stayed in silence, eating chocolate, and just thinking.

**A/N: Eh, I don't know how I feel about this chapter. What do you guys think? By the way thank you so much for the reviews! They mean the world to me :)**


	3. Chapter 2

**Shattered: Chapter 2**

**Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'**

**Cindy & ****Reuben**

"...Just one week ago, a Grant High student named Lisa was going to the lake and was very shocked with what she saw. There in front of her was a body, a dead body of a fellow Grant High student. This student has been identified as Adrian Lee Boykevich, husband to Ben Boykevich and daughter to Cindy and Reuben Lee. Lisa, can you tell us how you felt when you saw her dead body? What was running through your head?"

Lisa looked to the camera with deep emotion in her eyes. With her thick eastern Indian accent, she started to talk, "I...I did not know what to think when I see it. I just keep asking myself why? But then I know reason why she kill herself." She started to choke on her sobs, as the news reporter pushed her even further.

"And why do you think that is Lisa?"

She drew in a deep breath, "Adrian never had many friends. People very mean to her at school because of her uh, how you say? Reputation."

"And were you mean to her?"

She shook her head as she sniffled, "Never! Adrian was my friend. She let me sit with her at lunch on the first day of school and she let me go to her baby shower. She seem so happy after having her baby."

"So what do you think went-"

Click.

Cindy looked up at her husband with soft eyes as she patted him on the back. He looked at her, his eyes bloodshot, tears streaking down his face. Cindy took a seat next to him, "Watching the news is not going to make things easier on you right now."

"And something else will?"

She sighed as she shook her head, "Let's go to bed Reuben, it's been a long night."

He shook his head, "I can't believe I didn't notice the signs. The way she...withdrew from the people around her, the way things didn't matter to her anymore. Cindy all the signs were there! And I didn't notice them! _We_ didn't notice them!"

The tone in his voice caused her to stiffen for a second but then she relaxed her shoulders, "Baby please, stop this. We both feel bad enough, punishing ourselves with all of the shit that we could have done is not going to help."

He bit his lip as he looked up at his wife, "I just want my daughter back Cindy. I missed out on so much of her life I just...I want her back."

That was it for Cindy. She let the tears fall down her face as she pulled him into a hug, "So do I honey. So do I."

...

After an hour of crying, both Cindy and Reuben went to their room to get some sleep. Cindy decided to take a shower and try to get her mind off of things, but she knew that she never would. Her daughter was gone, the girl she worked so hard for, the girl that she loved with all of her heart, had killed herself and Cindy felt guilty. She could have done something. She should have done something...but she didn't.

As she did that, Reuben opened up his laptop as he sat on the bed. After a few minutes of surfing the web, he decided that nothing could take his mind off of things, and so he put it away. As he put it under his bed he noticed a tiny white envelope and he looked at it curiously. He reached for the envelope, his fingers barely touching it, and then he pulled it harshly from under the bed. His eyes widened in shock as he saw the name.

It was from Adrian, and the date written on it was just a week from her death.

At first he was scared to open it. What would Adrian have to say? Would she be angry? Sad? Would she explain that the whole time he was the reason for her death? He didn't know. He waited for Cindy to come out of the shower as he placed the letter on the bed. When she got out she threw on some clothes and put her hair up. She walked over to her husband and kissed him, but he stayed there, frozen.

"What's wrong?" She rolled her eyes at her statement because what the hell wasn't wrong at a time like this?

"Adrian...she wrote us a letter."

"That's not possible Reuben."

He handed her the letter and she gasped. He looked at her guiltily, "I can't open it."

She nodded understandingly as she opened the letter herself.

**To: Mamá & Papá**

_**Lo siento **_

If you're reading this, then everything has already happened. Or there is an alternative, you never got the letter in the first place because you didn't check under your bed. I don't know why I put it there, but oh well, too late now...On a serious note you guys, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong. I'm sorry I couldn't handle what happened to me. Losing Mercy, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and after that it just...I couldn't go on without her. I want you guys to know that I will always love you. Please, don't blame yourself for what happened to me. It has nothing to do with you guys, and everything to do with me being too weak. Too weak to survive in a cruel world like this. Too weak to deal with the constant B.S called my life...Before I wrote this I thought about not going through with it. I thought about not killing myself for you guys. I thought about your reactions hundreds of times, about your cries, and how you guys would cope, and although I knew that it could be bad, I still decided to do it.

Please just, don't hate me forever. What I did I know, will leave you guys with a scar. I can't say that you guys probably don't care, because I know my parents better than that. Continue to love each other, and keep your marriage going. You can still be a happy family, just without me. Dad, I'm so happy that you came back into my life. I will never forget you. Thank you, both of you, for being so good to me. I know that we've had our problems, but none of that matters right now. Please continue to be happy, and to go on and be free from the guilt and the sadness. That's my last request..._Te llamo. _

~ Adrian

Cindy could barely read Adrian's name at the end of the letter as her voice started to shake. Reuben grabbed her close and pulled her onto his lap as she cried into his shoulders. He kissed her forehead as a tear rolled down his eye. She looked up at him, "How are we going to go on?"

He hugged her even tighter, "...Adrian would want us to continue living. If that's her last request we have to do everything in our power to make sure we grant it."

For the remainder of the night they just lay there, in each others arms. They were disturbed by the letter, and by her death in general, but what hurt them the most was the fact that neither of them really put into consideration how much Mercy meant to her. They knew she cared, and that she loved her baby, but if she was willing to go this far because of it, why did they not notice? Why didn't they try to talk to her? They kept questioning themselves but they couldn't answer it. They didn't know why, and it was too late now.

**A/N: So definitely a sad chapter. I'm sorry about that, but I promise there will be a happy ending. Well...a bitter happy ending but still. **


	4. Chapter 3

**So Help Me God: Chapter 3**

**Grace**

"Thank you for driving me," Grace breathed, her eyes red from the tears that she had cried. She wasn't in shock that Adrian killed herself, but she was so confused as to why. Why would she do something so drastic? All she needed was time, Grace kept thinking, But she was out of time now.

"No problem," Jack said as he avoided the blonde's gaze. Seeing her cry was enough to make him want to hug her and tell her that everything was going to be ok. But he couldn't do that because 1) He didn't know if anything would every really be ok. A lot of people were going to be affected by her death and there was nothing he could do about it. 2) A selfish side of him thought of the possibility of comforting her, and then kissing her just so that they could get back together, even though he knew she was with Grant.

So he decided not to take the road less traveled, especially not at a time like this. He gripped his hands on the steering wheel tightly as he looked over at Grace, who was still choking on sobs, "You should get inside. I'm sure your family is going to want to talk to you."

"I don't think I can talk to anyone right now." She let out a shaky breath as she put her hand on the door and started to leave. Jack grabbed her shoulder gently, "Grace just...pray ok?"

She looked at him, confused. Jack wasn't a Christian anymore and she knew that. But the look on his face was enough for her to nod quietly and make her way out the house. The minute she got inside he took off. Kathleen was sitting on the couch, looking at Tom who looked devastated.

"Honey-"

She shook her head, "Please mom I just...I don't want to talk right now."

She nodded, "I understand honey but I promise you everything will be ok."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT! My best friend is gone...and I left her," she sniffed, and her mother looked at her, surprised, "What do you mean you left her?"

"I went to Africa for the summer while she was pregnant! I was a horrible friend to her...I abandoned her, and now she's gone. This is my fault."

Kathleen sighed as she heard Tom cry. She patted him on the back and then looked at Grace, "Grace...you cannot blame this on yourself ok! Adrian had more going on than the fact that you weren't there while she was pregnant. What were you supposed to do? Put everything on hold."

She didn't say anything.

Kathleen got up and hugged her daughter, "It's ok. It's going to be ok. Please, just be strong."

"Mom I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I can be strong," she cried.

"I need you to be strong right now, especially for Tom. Please, go talk to your brother."

"What am I supposed to tell him mom? That everything's going to be ok," she whispered harshly, "I can't lie and tell him that when I don't know if everything's going to be ok. Things may never be ok."

"Would God ever give you too much to handle?"

She glared at her mother, "He's been doing a damn good job at it."

Kathleen looked at her daughter angrily, "No, no Grace. You don't get to do that. You don't just give up on your faith when things get hard."

Grace shook her head as more tears fell down her face and Kathleen gripped her shoulders anxiously, "Please Grace...please just talk to your brother. Maybe it will help."

With that Kathleen made her way upstairs, probably to talk to Jeff. Grace stared at her brother, who had his head in his lap. She sighed as she took a seat next to him, "Hey..."

"I don wan to ta-LK."

She patted him on the back but he moved away, "I don't want to talk either Tom. You know she was my friend too..."

"YO-u lef' her."

She felt something clutch at her chest, "I know Tom...but people make mistakes."

"I was gonna marry her." His statement was as clear as bells and Grace looked at him sadly. She knew that even if Adrian were alive she would never return the feelings, but she didn't say that.

"It's been a long day Tom. I'm going to bed."

"Ok."

Grace made her way into her room and took out her pink Bible. She couldn't bring herself to open it though. She closed her eyes, "_God...why? Why couldn't she have another chance? ...I should have helped her. I could have helped her! But I didn't. But can't you just...bring her back? You've done it before, please, just bring my best friend back. It will do some good for everyone."_

She opened her eyes knowing that her prayer would not be answered, or at least it wouldn't give her the answer she wanted. She sighed as she pulled out her laptop. A tab was already open and she noticed that she hadn't logged out of prayer journal. With itchy fingers she created a forum strictly for Adrian on prayer journal.

_~ To a soul taken away too soon. R.I.P Adrian, I miss you already._

She went to her email account after creating the forum and as she scrolled down unimportant messages she saw one that made her eyes pop out of their sockets.

It was Adrian.

She was just about to open it when her phone rang. She let out a breath as she answered it without checking the caller ID, "What?"

"Grace?"

It was Grant. Usually she would be excited but right now, she couldn't be, "Hi Grant...look right now is really not a good time."

"I know you just got back from the funeral, but I just wanted to call to check on you. How are you babe?"

"As good as I can be. Thank you for calling Grant, but I really just need some time to myself."

"I saw you driving with Jack."

"You what! How would you see that?"

"I was coming over to your house but your mom told me that you weren't home yet and then that's when I saw you, but I passed by you guys so fast that you didn't notice me."

"Look whatever, I don't have time to argue with you about that."

"Did you guys do anything? Babe you can tell me-"

Click. She rolled her eyes, not in the mood for his bullshit. Grant had a bad habit of getting jealous easily and she didn't like that about him. She payed attention to what was most important to her right now: the email. As she opened it she felt a fresh batch of tears fall down her face.

**Dear Grace,**

**If you're reading this it's too late...Wow sorry, I'm an ass. It's just easier to write this than to cry. Damn this is so hard...Grace you have been my best friend ever since I've been at Grant High. Of course we didn't always get along but your impact on me was huge and I will never forget that. You were like this light in my life, and every time I was pissed off about something you just came with your bubbly personally that used to annoy the hell out of me, and you made me laugh. I can never thank you enough for befriending me. You looked past my reputation and you decided to get to know me as a person, and not just the slut that everyone at Grant High thought I was. I'm really sorry if I've hurt you by doing this. I just want you to know that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. Grace...I want to be with Mercy. When she died I just...I couldn't stop thinking about her. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough, and I hope that you just move on, and keep being the Grace that I knew. Tell Tom that I love him (as a friend of course. I don't want him getting anymore ideas than he already has). I should just stop writing before this gets all emotional. Goodbye Grace, I love you.**

**Adrian**

She stayed there for a moment, frozen. Her eyes burned with tears as she angrily shut her laptop. She grabbed the nearest thing to her and threw it at the wall and then she cried. Angry, bitter, sobs came out of her trembling mouth and as she wiped her face with her hand she just kept thinking of the best friend that she couldn't save.

**A/N: I didn't know if Tom should get a letter too so I just didn't put his in their but I did mention him in Grace's letter. I'm sorry it's such a dark story, but things will look up, promise :) Oh & I just wanted to clarify that in this version of the story Daniel doesn't exist so Grace didn't cheat.**


	5. Chapter 4

**Little Pieces: Chapter 4**

**Ricky **

As Ricky pulls up into his house, he grips the steering wheel tightly, unable to move. Flashbacks of all of the moments he's had with Adrian plays in his head and he can't help but feel sorry about everything. _I was never a good boyfriend to her, and certainly not a good friend. I took every moment I had with her for granted and now she's gone._

_"I care enough about you to tell that that would be a really stupid thing to do!"_

_"And why would that be stupid? Weren't you just telling me that maybe I should get married to Ben?"_

_"I didn't mean it and besides, you don't want to get married!"_

_"I don't know, maybe I do," she says, her eyes filled with confidence._

_"No, you don't."_

_"Do you?"_

_He looks up at her with confusion._

_"Do you want to get married? Because you know Amy's going to want to marry you."_

_"No one said anything about getting married."_

_"You're not thinking about getting married to Amy?"_

_"I don't know, maybe like years from now."_

_"And did you tell Amy that?"_

_"My conversations with Amy are just that, conversations with Amy. Just like how I hope these conversations stay just between us!"_

_She shrugs her shoulders, "Fine."_

_And then she smiles and he raises an eyebrow at her._

_"I bet you would marry Amy just to have sex with her, whether you were going to remain faithful or not. But you know what I just realized? I never have to worry about Ben cheating on me."_

_"_Dammit!" As tears start to fall down his eyes he hits the steering wheel, ignoring the pain seeping through his hand. _Wasted time. All of that fighting for what? For nothing. All I did was waste time that I could have spent with her, where I could have helped her. _Through choked sobs he cries out Adrian's name, muttering the words I'm sorry in the process. He draws in a deep breath, running his hand through his hair as he closes his eyes. Just breathe...Just breathe.

_Tap! Tap!_

His eyes fly open and he turns around to see Margaret standing there. He runs a hand through his nose as he draws in another breath and with all of the energy he can muster up, he opens the door for her. She looks at him with sympathy as she hugs him.

"Ricky, it's going to be ok. Everything is going to be ok. Just come inside."

He shakes his head, "Nothing will ever be ok. I could have helped her. If it weren't for me-"

"Ricky I doubt you are at all to blame for this. Adrian had a lot more going on than just you. This isn't about _you. _This is about Adrian feeling like she didn't have anything left to hold on to."

His sobs drown out Margaret's soothing words as she tries to get him to come inside. After ten minutes of failed attempts, he finally unbuckles his seat belt and starts to get out of the car. The cold air hits him but he doesn't care. The moon stares down happily at him and he doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything expect..._Adrian. _

As they head inside Shakur looks over at Ricky, trying to offer consoling words. Ricky doesn't want to hear it. _With all of the shit that I've been through, there is one thing I've learned and that is, saying sorry, or that everything will be ok doesn't help. Because the truth is, no one knows if it will be ok._

He pushes his mother off of him gently as he makes his way into his room and slams the door. He slumps down, pulling his head in between his legs as he tries to stop his tears. He suddenly grows angry, and he feels the need to punch something, anything, and suddenly the wall doesn't look too intimidating. Before he can do this though, his phone rings and he sighs, obviously annoyed. He sees that it's Nora, probably ready to ponder him with questions. He doesn't want to hear it. Instead he turns his phone off and makes his way over to his laptop. He doesn't know why he gets on at all, or what comfort technology can bring him, but as he checks through his emails he feels something drop in the pit of his stomach.

It's an email from Adrian. His shaky fingers inch closer and closer so that he can open the email yet his brain tells him not to read it. _Expect the worst and hope for the best. _He clicks the email and it opens, and his eyes don't leave the screen until he's done reading.

**Dear Ricky,**

**...This has been one of the hardest letters to write but I had to do it. Even after all these years, even after realizing that you hate me and that's just how life is, I still had to do it. Ricky regardless of all of our past, I will never stop loving you. Of course I'm not in love with you any more, but not a day went by that I didn't remember our past, although you seemed to do a pretty good job of forgetting it. I knew from the beginning that Amy was always going to come first between us, and I knew that eventually you were going to push me aside but I guess I kept trying to hold onto you because you were the first guy that I could ever see myself being with after Antonio. You were never my first love, but you were definitely one that I could never forget. Even saying all this I've realized that I've moved on, but I just wanted to get all of this off my chest. I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you Ricky, and I'm not angry anymore. I'm not angry about all the times that you've hurt me, or about all of the times that I thought we would work out but we never did. And I just want to let you know that what I've done (I'm sure if you're reading this now you already know) is not about you. It's not about anyone really. It's about ME. I've always thought that I was strong. I always have been strong, but I guess as things started to build up in my life, I broke. And so that's why I have to do this. I just can't go on anymore...Please continue living your life. Honestly I don't see why this should stop you anyway, you've done so well without me. Just be happy. Be happy for John, be happy for Amy, but most of all be happy for yourself. And know that I will always care about you. **

**Sincerely, Adrian**

As the words soak in, the tears in his eyes never cease to stop running down his face. There's so many things that he regrets, so many things that he wishes he can tell Adrian. Most importantly he wishes that he could tell Adrian, that she has always been his first love. But now it's just too late.

**A/N: So I kind of had a hard time writing this one. I thought about Ricky and their past relationship and I wondered how he would feel knowing that Adrian is dead. I ultimately decided that he would care, a lot because even though he's moved on to Amy, he still had a relationship with Adrian. Let me know what you guys think.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Reasons: Chapter 5**

**Ben**

"Come on Ben, you've been sitting in that car for ten minutes now. Don't you need something to eat? Or some rest?" Leo asks with an urgent tone in his voice. He is so concerned for his son, wondering if he's ever going to be ok.

"Gone..." he mutters this continually, "She's...gone."

Leo looks into his sons cold eyes and he feels tears sting through his. The burning sensation creeps all the way down his cheek, and falls off his chin. He grabs his sons hands but Ben jerks it away and he sighs. What is he supposed to do? What can he say to make things better? He shakes his head because he knows that the answer to that is nothing. Nothing can make things better. He takes a seat next to Ben in the car and Ben doesn't bother to look his way. He just stares out the car, into empty space.

"Ben...when Sarah died it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me you know that right?"

Of course he knew, but he doesn't say anything.

"Sarah was and will always be the love of my life even if I'm with Camille right now. Sarah always had a way of making things better. She was my other half, and I couldn't imagine life without her," his voice starts to shake, "And then just like that it wasn't a matter of imagination, it was reality. She was dead, and there was nothing I could do."

"I felt so hopeless...I couldn't save her, not even the doctors could save her. And 'till this day it still sits with me, the fact that she is no longer in my life. But I had a choice...A choice to sit there and let myself live like I'm dead, or a choice to move on. I had to move on. I had to be there for you and show you that everything would be ok despite the fact that things felt so terrible. Ben...I know this is hard, but you have to be strong."

"I'M TIRED OF BEING STRONG DAD!"

His sudden outburst catches Leo's attention and he flinches a little. The tears pour out of Ben's eyes and his breathing is loud and uneven, "A-All my life...I've been trying to be strong. When mom died I had to be strong and show all of my friends that I would be ok. When I found out Amy was pregnant I tried to be strong for her, and show her that I love her. T-this is just too much dad. I'm not like you. I'm not strong enough."

He lets out a deep breath and looks at his son, broken hearted. He pulls him into a hug, "Ben you are strong. Stronger than you will ever know. You can get through this. Just like you got through Sarah's death, and Amy's moving on. You **will** get through this."

He cries into his father's arms for a while, his shaking body suddenly feeling tired. He can't handle all of this in one day. As he sits back up he stares over at his dad with red eyes, "I really loved her dad, even more than Amy. I...I didn't want to be with her at first but everything was just starting to go together and then," he grits his teeth in frustration as he lands a punch to the car seat, "DAMMIT! I-I just don't understand how can she can be gone. How is she gone dad?"

"I don't know Ben...I don't know," he sighs.

**...**

After a very long time of consolation, Ben finally gets out of the car with his father. When he comes in Camille doesn't utter a word, unsure of what to say. Without muttering a word he walks inside his bedroom and slams the door. The tears fall down his face all over again, but this time he can't bring himself to actually cry. He's exhausted, but he can't sleep because every time he closes his eyes an image of Adrian pops into his head and the memories come flooding in all over again. All his life he's been told to be strong, he's had to be strong because despite his rich kid appearance, he's been through a hell of a lot. But right now, thinking about how Adrian's heart is no longer beating, how he's lost his wife and his child, he doesn't know just how strong he can be.

As he takes a seat on his bed, he somehow finds the strength to grab his laptop and look through pictures of him and Adrian. There's tons of silly pictures of the two of them, and he can't help but smile despite everything that's happened. There's pictures of the two of them on their wedding down. Adrian looks so happy, so perfect. He doesn't understand it, how she can actually bring herself to commit suicide when she had him. _That means I didn't do my job. I didn't keep her happy enough. I wasn't strong enough for her. This is my fault._

From the corner of his eye he notices that there's a tab open and he clicks on it, noticing that he forgot to log out of his email account. He's just about to exit when he notices in big bold letters **ADRIAN. **A silly part of him wonders if maybe she's faked the whole thing to scare everyone and is emailing him to let him know what's going on. As he checks the time, he realizes that that's not the case, and he sinks even lower into despair. At first he wonders if he should open the email, but with this being his only last memory of her, he wants every memory possible, good or bad he just wants something of her to hold on to. He bites his bottom lip as he opens the email.

**Dear Ben,**

...The hardest thing I've ever had to do in life was say goodbye to you. Ben I just want you to know that I love you. It's easier to write than to say it in person but you are one of the biggest reasons I haven't killed myself sooner. Ben I love you. I will always love you and maybe just maybe if I had decided to stay alive, I could have kept loving you. All I can say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I abandoned you. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough for you. It just...it hurts so bad to see her gone Ben. For nine months I held an innocent child inside of me. I didn't want her at first. All I could think about was the things that were the most important to me at the time, like being with Ricky, and having a good future. But as the months started to go by I grew attached to her. For once in my life having Mercy, and being with you well, I felt like I was finally doing something right. But I couldn't even do that right. I let her die. Ben I'm sorry I let her die.

I was so ready to be a good mother, to be a good wife. And then like everything else in my life that whole idea was ruined. When they came to me and they told me that Mercy wasn't going to make it I thought how in the world could she not? I would have given everything up for her, and I know you would have too. But things just didn't work out like that. None of this is your fault, or really anyone's. I just couldn't handle it. My life has never been easy, and I've always been able to get through it, but the death of Mercy was just the last straw. Tell Leo and Camille that I'm sorry too ok? Shit. I feel like I'm going to cry again but I just want to leave you with one last thing, a favor maybe? I know I don't deserve one but please just promise me that you will keep going. You have always been such a strong person, and you and I were always the ones to get hurt. All I ask is that you keep being who you are Ben. You will find someone new, you will start your life with a woman and fall in love. And we'll both ultimately get what we want.

Peace.

Ben...I love you. Thank you for sticking by my side. Thank you for being the man that I never deserved, but always wanted. Thank you for being the first man since Antonio that treated me right.

**Love, Adrian**

Speechless. He expects to be amazed or stunned, but instead he just sits there, staring at the words blankly, and then without a warning, he collapses.

**A/N: I don't really know if this was good but I tried my best that's for sure. I'm sorry this update is so delayed but I've been really busy with school and stuff. I hope you guys enjoyed it and I know it's sad but just hang in there. There should be either one or two chapters left, I haven't decided. **


	7. Chapter 6

**A New Beginning: Chapter 6**

**Boykewich Family**

"Ben? Ben...Ben are you up?" Leo asks as he shakes his son gently.

Ben shoots his head up but Leo cautions him to lay back down slowly. He looks around and he scrunches his nose up at the unfamiliar setting, "Where am I?"

Leo looks at his son as if he's crazy, "What do you mean?"

"I mean this isn't my room. Why am I not in my room? I was just crying over Adrian's well you know her...her death," he says as he sucks the inside of his cheeks to keep himself from crying, "and now I'm in this big white room. What the hell is this?" He wipes the dry tears off his face as he waits for Leo's response.

Leo looks startled for a second. He raises an eyebrow at his son, "Ben what are you talking about? **Adrian's not dead.**"

"Dad stop trying to make me feel better," he says as he looks at his father angrily. How dare he try to lie to him to make him think that everything is ok. What kind of game is this?

Leo starts to chuckle, and Ben looks at his father as if he's just gone mad. He puts both of his hands up defensively, "Ben I swear I'm not lying."

Silence.

"You're seriously confused aren't you?" he asks.

Ben rubs his temples together as he feels a headache coming on, "Y-You're trying to tell me that Adrian's not dead? Dad she's gone. Rev. Stone held the funeral and everyone was crying. She even sent me a letter via email that said she was sorry."

"Son I'm sorry but you must have been dreaming," he says with a soft tone. Before they can say anything more Camille walks through the door, a sad smile on her face.

"How are you Ben?" she asks, looking down at him as if he was a broken toy.

"Camille what the hell is going on? Leo's trying to tell me that Adrian isn't really dead," he says in a rather frustrated tone. He just wants to get to the bottom of all of this.

Camille takes a seat next to Leo and then touches Ben's hand, "...Honey you're father's not lying."

"Oh come on! Camille-"

"Adrian did come close to dying though. Don't you remember? A couple weeks after she lost um-"

"Mercy. Our daughter Mercy," he states defensively.

"Of course Ben...Well Adrian was having a hard time dealing with Mercy. She went to the rooftop of a familiar building, well familiar to her at least. You happened to see her there. I don't know what you were doing out but thank God you found her. You tried to get her to stop and in the process you-"

"Being as clumsy as you are," Leo adds and Camille chuckles, "He said it not me. But you pushed her out of the way and then you fell down the roof yourself. I don't even know how you survived honey. The doctors said that this could have easily been your death, but somehow you made it alive with only a cracked skull, a broken rib, and a fractured leg. You're lucky. Anyway, a former friend of Adrian's, a girl named Lisa found your body laying there and she panicked and called 911. You've been here for a week now and have been flowing in and out of consciousness."

Silence.

It all starts coming back to him now. He remembers walking so late at night looking for Adrian. She wasn't in the condo and he'd called Grace and was informed that she wasn't there either. Adrian didn't have many friends, but he tried everyone that he knew she knew. When he doesn't know what else to do he starts looking in search for her. He checks the diary shack but she's not there. He even hits up a few places around there that she might be at. He thinks long and hard and that's when he finds one more place. He remembers Adrian telling him about going there whenever she thought of Antonio, and sure enough she was there.

_"Adrian! Adrian! What are you doing?" he exclaims as he looks at Adrian. He's on the rooftop now and he's watching her as she dangles one foot over the rooftop._

_"Ben! What the hell are you doing here?" she says with a fierce voice. She still doesn't look his way._

_"What is this about? Are you - oh Adrian please don't do this!"_

_"I LOST HER BEN! I LOST MERCY! You should hate me as much as I hate myself right now," she screams._

_"But I don't hate you Adrian. Please just, just move away from there it's dangerous."_

_She smiles as she feels the wind pick up, "Peace."__  
_

_"Adrian what are you talking about?"_

_"That's what I want Ben. Peace from all of this. I just want to be free and this-"_

_"NO!" he shouts, moving towards her without even thinking about it. He pushes her down to the point where she falls to the ground. Only a fraction of a second later, he slips over his shoe and his body is sent tumbling to the ground._

_"BEN! BEN!" she cries. _

He gasps in shock as the image plays freshly in his mind. He remembers seeing Adrian so weak, and wanting to grab her and tell her that everything will be ok, and then one quick fall ruins everything. Slowly though, he starts to grin. _There's still a chance.__ She's still here. She hasn't left me yet. _And as Ben thinks about all of this, he realizes that he can't let what's happened in his dream happen in real life.

"I must have been dreaming hard," he thinks aloud.

Leo smiles and pats his shoulder, "Must have buddy. Your friends are out here waiting for you."

"Friends?" he questions. He doesn't have any friends.

"Henry, Alice, and Ashley are here right now. Amy and Ricky wanted to come but-"

"It doesn't matter," he says, waving his statement off, "Is Adrian here?"

"Yeah she's waiting outside with the rest of them," Camille answers, "Are you ok to see people right now?"

Ben nods, "Yes, but right now I only want to see Adrian. Can you tell the rest to go home? I don't want to be rude but just tell them I'll see them once I get out of the hospital."

Camille looks at Leo questioningly but he just shrugs, "You heard the man"

She walks out of the room and starts to look for Adrian.

Leo turns to look at his son. _He's such a strong young man. _

"You scared me you know that? And I don't get scared of much."

"How'd I scare you?"

"I thought you weren't going to make it."

The door swings open and in comes Adrian. She looks like a mess. Her curly hair is in a messy bun and her makeup is smeared She looks worn out, and tired, "Ben?"

Ben looks at Camille and Leo and he doesn't need to ask. Both of them exit the room. Adrian takes a seat next to Ben. He grabs her smooth hand and looks up at her with happy eyes, "I'm really glad you're here Adrian."

"Why? I put you through this. If I hadn't tried to-"

"Ssh," he whispers, "None of that matters anymore. The important thing is that you're here...with me, and _we're_ going to be ok."

"So there is still a _we_?" she says, only smiling slightly.

"Yeah...there is," he responds.

"Ben-"

"Adrian I just had this dream that made me realize that I can't live without you, and I don't want to live without you. I don't want Amy, or Grace, or anyone else expect you. Try not to ruin the moment yeah?"

She chuckles and then moves closer towards him. She kisses him on the cheek but he keeps his grip on her, moving his mouth to her lips. They're soft and plump and Ben feels like the happiest man in the world.

Despite everything that's happened, and all of the pain that they're going through he's happy. It's going to be a struggle knowing that Mercy is gone, but somehow he just knows that he can get through it all, with Adrian by his side.

He's ready for a new beginning.

**A/N: I guess you can say that I couldn't bring myself to kill him. I thought of a different ending, one where Ben would just have to learn to cope with Adrian's death, but then I just couldn't resist in making it happy. Epic fail lol. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed. **


End file.
